Dickism: A modern day affliction

Although I cannot comment on the rest of the world, in the UK we are in the grips of the worst pandemic that has ever swept our shores. But I am not on about the Coronavirus, I am on about Dickism. For those unfamiliar with this affliction, Dickism is a mental illness that usually starts in the teenage years & seems to affect all ages, ethnicities & gender groups equally, with the prevalence in society as much as 1 in 4 people.


The precise cause of Dickism is largely unknown, although there is a higher incidence in those who have been raised on a diet of processed, fat riddled, highly-salted food products, sugar saturated or caffeinated drinks & nicotine with added recreational drugs. Another disturbing factor in the growth of Dickism seems to be the visual impact of social-media – the ‘look-at-me-being-a-twat’ videos, for instance.


Initial signs of acute Dickism tends to be speech deficit with altered speech patterns with ‘Dicks’ (those afflicted) communicating in a primordial language comprising of an incomplete pronunciation of words, accompanied by a variety of grunts. This unfortunately renders them incapable of communicating with anyone other than other Dicks.

Associated with loss of speech coherence is a behavioural pathology known as ‘Fuckwittedness’. This alarming concern provides the Dick with lapses in conscience & consequence, undertaking imbecilic actions above the confines of the law, with a complete disregard to the safety of those around – such as stepping out in front of moving traffic, riding scooters (with or without lights or helmets), or more concerningly, stabbing people. But it is believed that Fuckwittedness is fluctuant, allowing Dicks brief respite in order to pass driving tests & job interviews (known to them as ‘blagging’ or ‘bluffing’).

As chronic Dickism develops though, Dicks start to develop an overly-distorted sense of self-worth & privilege, characterised by a noted extension of the head & subsequent gaze down their nose, accompanied by the facial muscles being permanently contracted in a manner, reminiscent as though they are observing a piece of canine excrement on their footwear. This is known as ‘Chip on shoulder syndrome’ & is directly proportional to their ego & fallacious display of ‘credit material wealth’. Dicks, wrongly conceive that those around them are impressed by what car or what clothing they are wearing & will borrow vast amounts of money (without any hope of paying it back) in order to facilitate their image.


As to date, their is no known cure for Dickism, but there are various self-help groups for those afflicted; Dicks Anonymous & the German Car Owners Club.

If you are living with, or if you have friends who are Dicks, their symptoms can be somewhat alleviated by you reminding them, constantly, at every opportunity, about their affliction – ‘You are a Dick’ for example. Unless you are suitably equipped, (ie have a psychopathic nature, a big-stick or some other defensive implement), it is probably best that this method is not used on Dicks in public. If you do happen to encounter Dickish behaviour in public though, a broad smile, a kind wave & a knowing wink is probably sufficient. The important thing to remember is that being a Dick is never their fault, so you could even say something extremely patronising to them like ‘Ah bless him/her, poor thing…’ to signify that you empathise with their special needs.


Dickism is sadly on the rise in the UK & is visible everywhere. Without further research & funding (cheques payable to ‘The Dawdlers Club’), Dickism could be the demise of intelligent life as we know it.

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